Jacqueline Novak’s Get On Your Knees is a show about blow jobs—but it’s also not a show about blow jobs. Here, she explains.
Jacqueline Novak’s Get On Your Knees bills itself as “the most high-brow show about blow jobs you’ll ever see.” It’s an accurate description: Although you won’t hear any advice about blow job techniques at the one-woman stand-up show, you will leave the theater feeling like oral sex might be the most poetic thing two partners can do in bed (or wherever they choose). Get tickets at getonyourkneesshow.com.
I have this stand-up/one-woman show called Get On Your Knees. It’s about blow jobs, but of course it’s not about blow jobs. I prefer to say it’s a show about ideas. So when people see the show and then ask me about my blow job techniques, I have nothing to say. I’m a writer, a comedian; I’m not a sex therapist. I have no tips and tricks for giving blow jobs. All I have are notions about blow jobs. And if I were allowed to go into a blow job with only one or the other in tow—practical skills or fanciful ideas—I’d choose ideas.
One of those ideas: Technique is overrated.
The more mechanically, technically skillful your blow job, I’d argue, the more generic your blow job. Think of it this way: If there was a machine designed to successfully milk semen out of as many dicks as easily and pleasingly as possible, and you were able to mimic that machine with your mouth, in theory, you would have achieved perfect blow job form. But to what end? I truly believe technical proficiency isn’t that…hot. Many people can achieve orgasm on their own via their hand or a toy. So why do we involve others? Not for technique.
To me, the “perfect” blow job is about the intersection of a mouth and a penis. Seriously, I think that alone is enough. I think it’s a pretty compelling core concept to explore according to your own whims. Whatever happens next is up to you.
Don’t be tricked—there are no rules when it comes to blow jobs. Really, who is the authority on it? Someone you overheard at school when you were 12? Articles online? The last person you blew who had commentary? There is no central sex act governing agency. We are on our own out here.
The closest thing to an authority on blow jobs for me growing up was articles in women’s magazines like this one, and those are just articles written by people. I am a person too, and I’m writing this article, so may I be your authority? Why not?
And to me, the ways in which a blow job veers away from that imagined semen-milking machine are not limitations. The closer you can make your mouth into a jerk-off device, a lubed-up flesh light, etc., what have you won? In fact, I argue that only once you’ve learned to retain and revel in whatever you perceive your specific limitations to be, there, then, you will have found your blow job voice.
Cast out the swirl of concerns on technique in favor of a simple notion: that putting your face near someone’s dick is already radically sexy. It’s generous. Not in terms of providing an orgasm, but in terms of being willing to have someone stare at your face so close to their dick. Your face is the center of your dignity, your most specifically you place. It’s the big front-facing fingerprint, that which will remain, past death, in a gorgeous portrait on your grandchildren’s stairwell, in a newspaper clipping about your greatest achievement, in your loved one’s locket. The willingness to put that, your site of dignity, posterity, identity, the most recognizable part of yourself, right up near someone’s silly dick! That’s so cool.
And it’s not just cool because it’s your face, but also because it’s your mind. They say “giving head,” and I never liked the term, but there’s a metaphor there I can get into the spirit of. To bring a dick right up into your skull, into the realm of your beautiful brain, your seat of memories, curiosities, notions, and dreams…there’s a kindness there. To elevate the simple, pulsating penis by bringing it so close to your sparkly, neon, neural network, nothing but a roof of the mouth between the two? It’s like inviting a dog into your special study, a library of your rarest books. You’re letting someone’s wet dog roll around in the site of your most glittering wonder.
Any intersection of your face, mind, mouth with someone’s dick? It’s outrageous, and it’s enough. So if someone says, “What in the hell kinda blow job was that?” You can say, “That? That was my head on a stick.”